bram ... the now

this is me ... as i am

29 December 2008

01 December 2007
Baby, will you come?

Come get me

You perhaps noticed in my last post that after I said Bram and I got together, I didn’t say, “We’ve been together ever since.” We dated off and on for about 4 years before Bram moved in with me and my kids. During that time, Bram broke up with me at least twice a year. Some of our friends may remember it being more often than that; to tell you the truth I lost count after a while. Once, Bram and I broke up for five minutes! I do know for sure that Bram usually managed to break up with me right before Chistmas and right before my birthday! I began to suspect he was just doing it to get out of buying me a present. But I never needed any presents; all I ever needed was Bram. Even when we were "broken up,' we stilled continued our late night telephone talks.

After some of the break-ups, Bram’s sister would tell me, “Don’t be sad, Michelle. He’ll be back. He loves you. You and I are going to be sisters.” She was right. Before we got married, Bram apologized for being so erratic. I told him everything was fine; I knew that he had just needed some time to grow up and decide what he wanted. During the times when we were not dating each other, we would date other people. It always made me so sad to see him with others. Well, I guess not always. Some of those girls were such obvious bad choices for him that I knew he’d be back to me in no time. I also knew if I started dating someone, Bram would get jealous and we’d be back together. Poor anybody who got between us.

Bram used to tell me often how glad he was that he had finally grown up and married me. I’ve been going through his papers lately, trying to decide what to do with them all, trying to make sense of things. I have journals and stories and poems, many of them going back to Bram’s college years. He wanted to be with me and the kids, but it scared him. He was afraid he would never make enough money to care for us. He was afraid he would never be strong enough , or sensible enough for us. He felt he was too different, too weird, to actually find a woman to put up with him and he was sure that he would never get married. He also believed he wouldn’t live past 40.

Bram finally stopped with the breakups and moved in with me about a year before we got married. I was in a pretty bad car accident and on crutches and various casts for about four months. Bram took care of me and the kids during that time and even stood up to my mother. (I knew then I was going to have to marry him.) I think the accident made him realize that it was time to stop playing around or he might lose me. Not that I ever would have left him. Bram was all I ever wanted out of life. He made the world perfect and happy and safe for me. Once we finally got together for good, we were never again very far from one another. For almost 10 years, All I ever had to do was reach out my hand and Bram was there.

I am having a very hard time trying to convince myself that Bram is actually not coming back this time. I am still waiting for him to come home. Something this terrible can’t be real. It has to be the worst bad dream ever and I wish I would wake up. I talk to Bram almost constantly now, and I beg him to come get me. I can’t believe he left without me. He died in my arms and I still can’t believe it. I beg God to end this game and I ask Bram to come get me. There is no answer. I don’t know how to live the rest of my life without Bram. I don’t want to.

Baby, please. Will you come get me?

thought by Bram Davidson around 5:59 PM
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