bram ... the now

this is me ... as i am

10 November 2008

31 October 2007
things Bram did

...for me

Today as I left work, I got a tight, excited feeling in my stomach and I thought, “I’m so excited to go home and spend time with Bram!”

Bram drove me everywhere. I haven’t driven a car for any real distance really since we got married. I have anxiety attacks when I drive in heavy traffic, so Bram did all the driving. He told me he loved to drive and it was ok that I don’t. One night I drove the mile down the road to the convenience store all by myself, and Monica told me Bram was all nervous and fidgety until I got back.
Bram squished my feet. I have a chronic pain syndrome and my feet always hurt. Always. Some days worse than others. When the pain got really bad, Bram would take my feet in his hands and squeeze them really hard, but somehow gently. We called it ‘squishing my feet.’ It made my feet feel better for a while. He often did it without even asking if my feet, hurt, like it was a nervous habit or something.
Bram woke me up from nightmares before they even got started. I have recurring nightmares that some faceless dude is chasing me and there is no escape. I usually wake up screaming. The first time Bram experienced this, it freaked him out pretty good. But he quickly figured out the sounds of a bad dream and always woke me up before they really got started. He would wake up to wake me up!
Bram made sure all the conditioner was out of my hair and off my back. My hair is really long (all the way down to my butt—I’m about 2 inches away from sitting on it), and it can be hard to get all the conditioner out—especially on days when my pain is bad. Bram rinsed my hair for me and then lifted it and made sure the conditioner was off my back, too, so I wouldn’t itch all day.
Bram rubbed lotion on my feet. We’ve already discussed my stupid feet. On days my feet were only moderately painful, Bram would massage them with lotion, hoping to reward them and keep them happy longer.
Bram taught me how to deal with angry people. He always said you can’t solve anything when everyone is excited and yelling. He said if someone starts yelling at you, you should not respond. You should look them in the eye so they know you are listening and let them yell it out. He said they would eventually wind down and when that happened, you could (hopefully) have a sensible conversation and solve the problem.
Bram taught our kids how to drive—both at the same time! Imagine my anxiety at being in the car with a newbie driver! But Bram stayed calm and sweet and my kids are great drivers now—no accidents and few speeding tickets (they are young and in a hurry!)
Bram taught me how to control my own temper. Whenever I would lose my temper and start ranting, Bram would ask me, “What are you really angry about?” At first, this would just piss me off, but he really wanted an answer, so I would have to calm down and figure out what the problem really was. He taught me most things aren’t worth freaking out about, and if you remain calm and rational, you can solve the problem better and faster—or perhaps find there is no solution, so you’d best move on.
Bram made my computer behave. My computer hates me and Bram knew that was the truth, so he ‘computer whispered’ whenever my computer acted up—which is often. And he never suggested perhaps the computer wasn’t sentient and maybe I was doing something wrong.
Bram took care of me and I let him. He was the only person I felt safe enough with that I could let myself relax and let someone else be tough for a change.
Bram took my pain with him when he left. Since he’s been gone, I haven’t been in physical pain. My heart hurts dreadfully all the time, though. I love you, baby.

thought by Bram Davidson around 9:07 PM
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