bram ... the now

this is me ... as i am

14 October 2008

26 October 2007
hold on, hold on to yourself...

...this is gonna hurt like hell

Bram is gone.
He passed away in the early morning hours of October 15, 2007.
He loved the early morning hours. When we were dating, he would keep me out all night, until I begged him to let me sleep. He never seemed to get tired.

I am not the writer that Bram was, though I am a better speller--but a poor typist. Anyway, part of my tribute to Bram will be to keep his blog up for awhile until we are all ready to let it go.

Many people have asked me what happened. I guess we are all so very shocked that a man with as much energy and love as Bram had has actually fallen still. I think instead of telling the story over and over, it will be easier for me if I just tell it once and let whoever needs to know visit it.

For maybe a week prior to Bram's death, he had been complaining of heartburn. I asked several times if he needed to go to the doctor and he laughed it off, saying it was heartburn from the many different beers he had been sampling. (For those not in the know, after 8 years of not drinking because of medication, Bram's doctor had found him a new medication that allowed him to drink. Bram said that when he was drinking before, he was a poor college student, drinking cheap college beers. So he was on a beer tasting journey--he even bought a small fridge to keep his beer in, since they were taking up too much room in "my" fridge. He was going to blog about the different beers.) Anyway, Bram said his next doctor's appointment was in November and he would ask about it then, and he took some Maalox.
Saturday was supposed to be shopping day for Bram and me. We always had a lunch date, and then got all our supplies for the week. Instead, this Saturday, Bram and Nick drove to California to pick up a car Nick bought. Monica and I went shopping instead. We all got home around the same time and spent our evening together. Monica and Bram even indian leg wrestled and thumb wrestled for a while.
Sunday Bram was supposed to go watch the game at his "football girlfiend's" house, but when we woke up he said that since we had missed our Saturday lunch, he and I should go to IHOP for breakfast. I think IHOP is gross, but I also think Bram is super, so he got his way. During our meal he kept telling me how beautiful I am and I kept telling him to stop. Back home, we spent the day puttering around the house, me doing my Sunday cleaning, making supper, and such, and Bram playing on his computer. I tickled him a few times and even licked his head--he hated that! He kissed my hand often. We said "I love you" to each other at least a hundred times.
When it was time for bed, Bram said he had heartburn again. I said that was crazy--we'd only had soup for dinner! We laid down a few minutes and he said he couldn't sleep because of the heartburn; he was gonna take a shower. That was around 11:30. He got out of the shower and said he was gonna sit up a while, but I should go on to sleep. As he left the room, I said "I love you" and he said "I love YOU."
At about 1, Bram woke me up and said, he had to go to the hospital; he was having a hard time breathing. I asked if he could drive or if I needed to get Nick. He said to get Nick. As I came back into the room from waking Nick, I saw that Bram, who was in his PJ's, had gotten socks and underwear out of his drawer and was going to sit on the bed to put them on. When he got to the bed, he just collapsed to the floor between the bed and the wall, with his face in the stack of pillows piled there. I shouted his name and ran over to him and pulled his face out of the pillows. His face was very red, and he wasn't breathing. I hit him once very hard in the chest and told him to breath. He opened his eyes and gasped, but when I looked in his eyes, I didn't see him there. I tried to pull him up to a standing position, but of course, he was much bigger than me, and I couldn't move him. I starting screaming for my kids and yelling at Bram to breathe, but he wouldn't. Nick called 911 and Nick and Monica and I pulled Bram out of the narrow space between the bed and the wall and Monica started giving him CPR. And suddenly the EMT's were there and took over. They tried to start his heart and tried to get him to breathe while we three crouched in the corner and watched. They finally took us out of the room and told us that they had done everything they could, but he was gone. It was most likely a heart attack, and Bram was probably gone when he hit the floor. The heartburn was most likely a series of small heart attacks. I knew Bram was gone when he gasped and I saw his eyes.
My life has ended. I am alive, but Bram was indeed my better half. He was the best person I have ever known.

thought by Bram Davidson around 4:26 PM
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